Unhappy Portal

John Henry was screaming below decks. He was a toddler stuck in a small space with three women who wouldn’t let him test his limits. There was nothing for him to do but scream. So scream he did. He’d tried to spend time up here with me but it was too hot. Izzy hen pecked him about wearing sunscreen even though it had expired years ago. Catherine worried about the sea life in the water. Elizabeth was as cranky as her nephew in the unrelenting heat. The portal’s sun blazed overhead in its neverending noon position and broiled whoever was up top.

The goat clopped over and bleated pathetically at me.

“Fine. Yes,” I agreed to its demands and dumped a bucket of water over it and then me. It put its head on my lap in gratitude. Goats, I couldn’t seem to escape association with them. “Captain Cook’s goat never really had much of an official name. Just called that ‘well traveled goat’ or something. They set the beast up with a pension and land and everything upon its retirement.” The goat bleated. “Yeah, well, don’t get an inflated head. You are not circumnavigating the globe. You are going to England and turning into a hungry peasant’s dinner.” 

It bleated again. 

“No, I don’t care that we are friends now. I spent over a year milking that well traveled goat. You and I have barely known each other for two days.” It pulled at my shorts with its teeth then put its head back in my lap. “Fine. I’ll set you up at a nice petting zoo near Heron’s Landing. That’s my final offer!” It clopped back off to its shaded enclosure.

John Henry was still screaming down below. I heard something thrown and then Catherine’s tone of admonishment.

“You’re being ridiculous. You know that right?” I lifted my head to address the blazing sun of the portal. “There is no reason to be throwing a tantrum like this.” The portal held its ground. Yeah? Well, so could I. I wanted my exit how I wanted it, and dammit, I was going to get it. Unstoppable Force, meet Immovable Object.

John Henry threw something else. Catherine screamed this time. Then Elizabeth screamed. Then John Henry threw another object.

“You want to dance?” I challenged the portal, “let’s dance.” I unstuck myself from my chair and went below. It was just as hot but the break from the sun was welcome.

My first mate lay melted into the galley bench, sweating and moaning about how this was even worse than that summer in Rome when it didn’t rain and even the bathhouses were too hot to visit and where we lay around on the couches and she complained to me that I wouldn’t let her bring ice off the ship. She couldn’t get any of the others to play card games with her because Catherine didn’t know the rules, John Henry kept trying to eat the cards, and Izzy didn’t approve of gambling. It was against Elizabeth’s religion to “just play for fun and then we can make an apple tart afterwards.”

John Henry sprinted to me when he saw me and I scooped him up then swung him around by his feet. Catherine and Izzy started yelling at me then like I was about to toss him like lassoing a bull. It was the first time the kid had a smile on his face. I threw him over my shoulder instead and pretended like I was about to drop him. He squealed with laughter as the other women bemoaned how I handled him. Kids were durable though. He loved it.

I was stripped down to my sports bra and shorts. I felt their eyes on the scars and wasn’t comfortable with that but it was blazing. I wouldn’t be down here long. They were all kind enough to pretend to ignore my scars. It was too hot to get bothered about it right now.

I kept John Henry over my shoulder as I released a ceiling panel and pulled down two items: tablets encased in foam rubber. They were old but durable pieces of equipment. Still, I prayed to whatever gods of electronics were out there that this gambit would work.

“Please oh please oh please,” I prayed aloud as I plugged them in. “Yes!” The screens lit up with indications that they were still alive. I turned to Izzy, “There are baby games and shows on here. Plug him in when they are charged.” 

I felt around in the same ceiling space and found another dinosaur car. A red one this time, an apatosaurus. I handed it over to John Henry to amuse him till the tablets charged with all of their animated anesthetic fun. I snickered to myself as I reemerged on deck into the sun. Take that, portal. One less tortured soul on board along with the bonus of giving Catherine temporary relief as well. I was happy to sacrifice those tablets and the little dinosaur car at the altar of John Henry if it got us further along in my battle.

I sat back and accepted the sunlight into myself and called it a victory.

Izzy arrived on deck moments later. She plunked a water bottle down in front of me. I might have been startled by Izzy’s sudden appearance but a giant pile of melted sludge can’t jerk or move with any semblance of alacrity. The goat sidled up to her for a leafy treat which was promptly provided. The greedy thing ate it right up. That’s right, fatso, keep on eating. It bleated at me as if it could hear my thoughts. I chuckled and sipped my water.

“So, your portal,” Izzy started after patting her goat. “Umm, it’s not looking for a sacrifice or anything, right?” She mopped her brow and stared out at the ocean around us, stretching out smooth and as undisturbed as a sheet of glass clear to the horizon. As she scanned the horizon I wondered, could she see the same things that I could see?

“We don’t have to kill your goat yet.” She’d hate the joke but I was bored and the look on her face was worth all the salad I’d have to eat in retribution.

“Oh my god! Dame Emma!” She actually tried to hug the thing but it was too hot out for hugs and it clip clopped away from her.

“Don’t worry. When it’s time to sacrifice her I’ll make it quick and painless for the both of you. What are your favorite goat recipes?” Slow roast it over the fire pit with a nice glaze. I bet Izzy had a jerk seasoning recipe she could whip out and combobulate from the spices in my cargo hold. Add a little rice, some fire roasted peppers, and it would be a feast.

“Anne, that is horrible. And she can hear you!” Izzy looked over to where her delicious pet was resting in the shade. The thing bleated at me again.

“That’s right, goaty. Clock’s ticking,” I cackled. Izzy still didn’t appreciate my comedic stylings. “Whatever, it’s hilarious.”

She flounced down, ready to talk turkey…bet she had some good turkey recipes too. “Okay, so what is the deal?” she demanded. Izzy gestured to the limp sails and dead tide. What’s the deal with the portal being a little bitch, was her question. It was my question too. The answer was typically a simple one.

“The portal doesn’t like my course. We are fighting.”

Izzy gave me a long hard stare as if I’d told her that I was going to renounce life on the sea and take up study as an accounting professional and burn the midnight oil during the company’s fourth quarter closing so we could get all our audit information submitted on time. 

“You are fighting? With..the portal?”

“More like negotiating.” Mostly the portal and I were like a pair of best friends. We loved each other and rejoiced in the sheer act of spending time together. It was when we didn’t see eye to eye that it created friction; friction that resulted in dangerous seas or monsters or terrible heat and still water. I’d take any of that over storms and since no storms lurked on the horizon, it meant there was room to push back a little. Generally, once I hit on a course that would satisfy both of us, the conditions would relent with my change of direction.

“It doesn’t want your goat. Don’t worry,” I assured her.

“What does it want then?” Izzy squinted up at the sky and all around as if she was missing a street sign or skywriting. 

Simple answer? It wanted me. And for whatever reason, it wanted me not to go to England in 1649. Well, I wasn’t changing direction this time. This time I knew without a doubt where I needed to go. This time it would bend.

That wasn’t the answer Izzy was looking for right now. She wanted to know why we weren’t moving and what sacrifice it would take for us to get back on course so she could resume her marriage.

This was a fight, make no mistake. The portal was playing dirty and meant to break us. It would do her good to understand why it was important to keep up resistance.

“It doesn’t want us to go to England.” Cock blocked by an interdimensional power. It was kind of funny but I made sure I didn’t laugh. She wouldn’t appreciate the portal’s comedy prowess either.

“What?! Do you mean- it doesn’t want me to get to Ian, and you’re fighting to get me back to him?” Oh, that was an unexpected bonus. Plot twist from kidnapper to white knight. If I could high five the portal I would.

“Don’t panic. It’s just a waiting game. I’ll get you there. We have a little while before we run too low on supplies.” Just for fun I looked over at the goat. “Tick tock, goaty. Enjoy the sunshine.”

“Her name is Dame Emmanuelle!” Izzy braved the heat and marched over to show her goat some love and deliver another clump of salad. Then she marched back down where I heard her exclaiming to Catherine about how I was going to butcher her goat.

Cock blocked by an interdimensional power, I did laugh out loud now. It was pretty damn funny. We both thought so. Out of the depths, a whale surfaced suddenly and water and air blasted from its blowhole all over me.

“Gross! That stuff smells!” I shouted to the portal. It was good to see it was still playing with me though. The whale disappeared. I had a sinking feeling all our goodwill for each other was about to disappear as well.