Not Dead

The lightning struck.

A pillow was under my head and the pains in my limbs and torso grew stronger and more insistent for my attention. Dim light, cast by a few oil lanterns, was all that lit up a room I didn't recognize. The walls spun around me until the disorientation became too much and I closed my eyes again. I couldn’t take deep breaths due to both leftover broken ribs and a tightly bound abdomen. My leg throbbed where it was broken at the knee and my right arm wasn’t much better, both tightly bound. Where was I? I tried to look around again and noticed all the bandages. Izzy must have exhausted every first aid box on the ship.

There was a fucking goat staring at me.

“Why a goat?!?” I groaned and swiped at the thing then inhaled sharply at the pain in my arm. The goat licked me and started eating my bandages. I was going to eat that goat for dinner one of these days.

“Calm, Annie. You’re okay,” Marco’s familiar voice spoke through the darkness and I felt his heavy hand on my shoulder.

My mind swam with confusion. Where was I? When was I? Why was Marco here?

“We’re in Zheng’s compound,” he answered my unasked question, “Izzy and your other friends brought you here – by the way, I’m impressed you made some friends.”

I groaned and he laughed.

“It’s about 1650, maybe a little earlier. Last time I saw you you were sailing away after cutting that rat’s throat. I lost a bet to Zheng and am serving her two years as recompense.”

Last time I saw you, you were in my bed, under my sheets. Unbidden into my thoughts came his kiss in that upstairs hallway while Avington burned. Go back to Greenland, do what you need to do and then come find me. I guess this was me finding him. Which means that hallway was in his future. It hurt too much to think about.

1650. I’d held onto my exit date. We were on the other side of the world but I’d kept us close to the same year. It was a small victory but I’d take it after all the loss.

“My chest hurts.” It was difficult to move and breathe. I spoke to him in Hurrian, the language of his people now lost to time by centuries. I might be one of the last in the world who could converse with him like this. I loved the language. It was like a low hum I could feel clear down to my belly.

“Those were some rough injuries. Your sister is very concerned.” He sat up and came into view. He looked the same as always, maybe scruffier than usual. He’d looked far healthier in Avington. He indicated across the tent and I saw Izzy asleep on a bed there. All we needed were some unicorns painted on the wall and it would be like being home again.

“Is she hurt? Elizabeth? Catherine?” Memories from the fight returned to me and I knew that at least one of them had been bleeding.

“Elizabeth needed some attention. All surface grazes but I made her take Fountain anyway. She wouldn’t speak to any of us for two days afterwards.” He laughed and this time I joined in; Fountain was rough stuff. “Your sister is fine. Catherine and her child are fine. You’ve been here for about four days.”

I struggled to sit up and he helped me. Besides not being able to move fast or take deep breaths I wasn’t feeling too awful. I’d felt far worse in my life at least.

“How’s my ship?” I shifted my legs off the bed and gasped as my knee tried to take my weight.

Marco was up in a flash and offering me his shoulder. I gladly accepted and let him help me hobble out of the tent. Concern for my ship outweighed any need to stay horizontal. Another body stirred by my sister’s pallet. A pair of wide and frightened eyes watched me take a few steps. Had he been here the whole time? Marco held out a calming hand to the man. He was outfitted like one of Zheng’s guards. I assumed he was here to guard Izzy just as she’d provided Elizabeth with guards her first time through. Ugh, Zheng would make me pay through the nose for this type of 24/7 service.

“Your Excellency –”

“‘Captain’ will do. Remain where you are,” I ordered the man. Zheng had her people call her Her Excellency. My ego wasn’t quite that overblown.

“I will wake the lady –”

Why was he talking to me in Spanish?

“Do no such thing.” Izzy was fast asleep and there was no reason to wake her. Let her rest.

“She will want–”

“Enough. No more words from you.” He was obviously terrified. No need to wake Izzy and infuse her with his panic. 

He finally sat back and quieted down. I continued my hobble step out of the tent.

“The Try Your Luck sustained some damage,” Marco cautioned as we made our three legged way into Zheng’s compound. I leaned heavily on his shoulder and pretended I was walking but he was doing all the work. He didn’t seem to mind holding onto my waist as tight as he was and ferrying me along.

The faint early morning light provided enough to see our path. Zheng’s compound looked the same as it always did: lots of tents, lots of lanterns, lots of ships, lots of people passed out from a night of drinking, drugs, and sex. It was good to be back.

My precious ship was tied at the end of a long floating dock and my stomach sank as I saw the damage. The hull was splintered near the railing from musket shot, the protective paint and fiberglass beneath it was damaged and scratched from the collision. The whole starboard hull was visibly crunched and misshapen. The bowsprit crumpled at an angle. The deck and sails showed evidence of fire damage. I’d used my ship to violate the portal’s laws and so it had wrecked what I held most dear. My heart broke as I looked at my precious ship. I deserved this. I know I did. I looked out at the water, feeling the portal in the distance and accepting its terms. We’d hurt each other, yes, but we were even now. The portal agreed. We would move on.

I stepped up close to the Try Your Luck and patted her splintered hull, she’d survived plenty, she would survive this. My ship was seaworthy but only just. It would be months worth of repairs before I’d be comfortable taking her out on the water again. I sighed. The portal had gotten its time from me one way or another.

“Captain!” Elizabeth appeared on the dock, bandaged but smiling. She pocketed a large purse of gambling winnings as she picked up her pace to meet me at the ship. Elizabeth didn’t try to hug me, just stood close and let her proximity and grief at the condition of the ship stand in for physical comfort. “It’s not as bad as it looks,” she reassured me.

"14 men can do a lot of damage.” The girl was not entirely to blame for the situation but I was not in a magnanimous mood. “Have you begun repairs or have you spent all your time scamming sailors out of their money and services?”

“I’ve been cleaning. I’ve been working,” she insisted. “Captain, I’m –”

“Marco, is there any food or coffee around?” I cut off her apology. Besides the fact that it wasn’t her fault and she didn’t need to apologize, I wasn’t feeling sympathetic towards my first mate as I assessed the condition of my ship alongside the condition of my body.

Marco dropped my shoulder and let me bear my own weight in punishment for my attitude towards Elizabeth. He went to stand near the young woman and crossed his arms in exasperation. Fucking Marco. He could keep his judgment and his lips to himself. We were no longer married. I didn’t need any of this from him.

“Fine. I’ll find the coffee myself and then be back to start work on my ship. Elizabeth, go get some sleep.”

I limped down the dock on my screaming knee while Marco spoke to my first mate. She did not deserve my ire like this but my ship was damaged, I had died, and she had failed me in performing a simple count.

Marco caught up with me about three steps before my leg was going to give out and helped me to a fire pit outside Zheng’s tent. “Don’t worry, I told her you are always extra cranky after dying and that once we got some breakfast in you, you’d remember that you aren’t a horrible sea monster. She’s a good kid. Give her a break.” He helped me sit and I grunted something along the lines of whatever, I’ll deal with it later.

Marco got the fire going and set coffee to brew and bread to toast. I thought I recognized Izzy’s handiwork in the loaves and my mouth started to water. I was ravenous. That fucking goat came over to me again smelling food and opportunity. Zheng came out of her tent for the same reason.

“Morning, Sunshine.” She stole the mug of coffee Marco had just set out for me. The bitch laughed when I tried to fight her on it only to immediately sit back in pain. She took my plate of toasted bread and cheese and pushed me back in my seat when I tried to fight her for that too. “You were out a while. I thought maybe we’d finally gotten rid of you.” She took a long decadent bite of my breakfast.

I went to reach for it again but collapsed against the table while she laughed at me like she was watching a Saturday morning cartoon. Marco sat next to me with another plate and mug which he guarded against my thieving hands and ate in giant bites; the two of them were leaving me nothing and I was so hungry I could eat my own leg.

“Fine! I’ll apologize to Elizabeth!” I roared. I hadn’t eaten in days. I’d died. I just wanted melted cheese on bread and everyone to stop being so mean to me. Frustrated tears pricked at the corners of my eyes. Marco smirked and moved breakfast in front of me and plucked my coffee back out of Zheng’s hands. Zheng didn’t fight him and filled a mug for herself. I polished off the slice of cheese toast in just a few glorious bites. Marco served me another as I drank the coffee.

“Anne!” Izzy called from just outside our tent flap. She spotted me after wildly looking around the grounds.

I gave her a small wave with my working arm. As she rushed over, Marco subtly angled himself closer to me to protect me from getting tackled by my over exuberant sister.

“You’re alive again!” She came to a halt and looked me up and down in disbelief. Marco let her through now that I wasn’t in danger of being squeezed by a boa constrictor in a silk cheongsam. She reached out and put a hand on my cheek to reassure herself that I was warm. Then she lightly patted me down and looked in my eyes before believing I was well and truly here in front of her. When she suddenly grabbed at my broken arm and yanked it to check my pulse, I saw stars.

“Izzy, careful.” I pulled my arm back. “That’s still broken.” I rubbed at the large bruised area where the break was newly knitting together. That arm was going to need a sling or something.

“You mean- you’re not healed? What the fuck?” She pulled her hands back like I’d tricked her.

“It’s not a cure all. It’s a cure…most.” Now that I’d eaten I only had eyes for my broken ship. I needed to get to work. 

I felt like shit but what else was new. I was about to get up when both Izzy and Marco put another round of food in front of me. They were both ridiculous.

With plenty of caution, Izzy sat down and put her arms around me. I was uncomfortable with her physical displays of affection towards me in our present company but I didn’t want to make her let me go yet. I can only imagine what she’d been through.

“I’m alright. Really, I’m alright.” I patted her with my good arm.

“I mean, you were dead. Like, doornail city.” She started holding me tighter. “And Elizabeth wouldn’t stop blaming herself. We were all- well, anyway, I’m just glad you’re back.” She kept going in for hugs and leaning away to look at me to check if I was still alive. “This is so crazy.” She repeated over and over.

Izzy had watched me die. Zheng and Marco had both seen me kick it once or twice before, they weren’t upset or fussing about my condition. They sat there having their own conversation while Izzy fretted. Zheng was annoyed with Marco because he was throwing off her schedule with a shipment scheduled to go out two weeks ago. He argued back that the crew wanted to play/lose at his scams and should have known better than to wager with him. I wanted to hear more details about that but Izzy kept trying to assess my condition and feel my heartbeat at every pulse point in my body.

“This is so crazy,” she repeated again. I squeezed her hand and took another sip of coffee. I wouldn’t pretend to her that death was a normal event and she should just take it in stride. Meanwhile, death was beyond a normal event for me, but not to her. I knew when it was time to watch her die I wouldn’t do half as well as she probably did. I returned her hug.

“First time dying in front of her?” Zheng scoffed, throwing a bucket of cold water over the moment. “Freshmen,” she sipped her coffee and smirked. Zheng had never been a big fan of my sister. Zheng and I classified ourselves as sisters and Zheng got jealous that Izzy existed in my life before her. That grudge only grew when I was able to keep Izzy in my life even after the temple. I narrowed my eyes at my salty bitch of a sister/friend. Behave, my gaze threatened.

“Well, yes. I’m only 25, after all,” Izzy was over-sweet with Zheng. Four days I’d been out. I’m sure Zheng had not been on her best behavior with Izzy. My old friend had been sour about Izzy ever since I’d mentioned how good a chef my sister was as we toiled in quarries and chewed stale rations.

“You look younger,” Zheng repeated in as sickly a tone as Izzy’s. Youth was not a compliment in our family. Youth equaled stupidity in our little group and Zheng was unendingly bitter that since Maui died she was the youngest of us.

“Wow, really? Thank you!” Izzy beamed while Zheng sat there like the smug bitch she was.

“Zheng, back off,” I warned her in Cantonese. My old friend was going to host my sister in her compound and just deal with it until I could fix my ship and separate the two of them. Their stalemate didn’t budge. Barely alive an hour and I was already done with this shit. Everything hurt and they were piling more stress onto me. “I’m going to get to work on my ship.”

The sight of the bullet bitten wood was haunting me. My ship needed me. I needed my ship. I also needed to get away from whatever was going on between these two. I stood only to immediately need to grab the table for balance. Shit.

“You and what leg?” Marco laughed and held onto me as I steadied myself against him. “Only place you are going is back to bed.” He laughed and I wished I was stable enough to kick him.

“What he said,” Izzy was at my other side helping to stand me up.

This was ridiculous. I looked between Marco and Izzy and wondered what I was missing here. Were they on the same side? I didn’t like the two of them together.

“Zheng, tell them I’m fine.” Marco was on one side of me, Izzy on the other. Neither was going to let me go to my ship. Zheng would take my side, surely.

“Have fun with this,” the bitch answered in Cantonese and just laughed and laughed. “Maybe next time don’t bring your freaking sister back in time. ” Zheng reached over, stole my coffee again, and drained it. Then she sauntered back to her tent with her middle finger high in the air. It was good to be back.

“So,” Izzy prattled on blithely, “do you want anything else to eat or drink before you go back to bed? Need ye olde chamber pot?” I was going to kill her goat the first chance I got.

“I don’t like this,” I motioned between the two of them. Nope, this was definitely not a combination I cared for. If Marco had been Graham, Izzy would have let me get to work.

“What’s not to like?” she said with that shit eating grin of hers she wore when she knew she’d get her way.

“We are delightful,” Marco piled on. “Come on, Annie –”

“Don’t call me Annie.” I shoved them off me and took a step – and suddenly I was on the ground looking up at the sky, Marco and Izzy’s faces above me; Marco amused, Izzy concerned.

“Oh my god. Anne?” Izzy was reaching for me but I batted her nursemaid hands away.

“It’s okay, Izzy. I’m fine. I’m fine.” I was getting real sick of this nurse/patient relationship real fast.

“Tell that to my blood pressure! Bed, NOW!” she ordered.

I started to protest only to have Marco reach down and scoop me up. There was nothing I could do but hold onto him. I loved it and hated it.

“How about a short nap?” He didn’t wait for an answer, just started walking towards my tent.

“Yeah! That’s what I’m talking about! Thank you, Marco!” Izzy was gleeful at his assistance.

“And you, dear sister,” Marco called back to her. I jerked as I heard the association. I suppose it wasn’t technically incorrect. Certainly didn’t feel correct.

We entered the tent and he deposited me on my bed. I have to admit, it wasn’t the worst. It was comfortable and I was tired. My short jaunt among the living had been exhausting. Marco tucked the blankets up around me and situated himself on some cushions on the floor. It was cozy.

“I owe you an apology, by the way.” He leaned the back of his head on the edge of my bed.

“Oh?” I was getting sleepy now that I was here. He and Izzy might have been on to something about me needing rest.

“The situation with that rat bastard got out of hand. I never meant for it to turn into such a huge fight. I just wanted him to bleed a little for his crimes at Kings Bay.”

“I would have killed him sooner or later.” I absently ran my fingers through his hair then quickly withdrew my hand. It was an old habit from our temple days. Even though it had been six years, Graham’s loss was still raw. I missed our bed. I missed his smile. My heart was still alive and well on that tiny island – he was still waiting for me to return to him, yet I was here, halfway around the world, living a sham life without him by my side. I could sail to him right now. I could be back with him. We could go dancing…the tears welled up without permission.

Marco turned and offered me a kerchief. “It’s okay now. You’re okay now,” he crooned.

“I let him go, Marco.” I don’t know why I was confessing to him about Graham, only it was warm and safe here and I wanted him to know. I knew the words were true but it hurt nonetheless. I wouldn’t be going back to Bermuda. I’d finally let Graham go for good. I pulled my hand back to my face as tears came hot and unwelcome down my cheek. Marco turned around and smoothed my hair.

“I know, Annie. I know.” He did know. He’d played this game over and over with his wives and families throughout the centuries. “Your heart is broken, part of it left behind.”

I nodded. He took my hand and I let him.

“Don’t ask for it back. Let it be your final gift to them. You can still be sad though.”

I was sad. I was very sad. I held onto his hand and he stayed next to me until I fell asleep. I always slept easier with Marco around.

****

Marco must have been tired. He was asleep in the same position he’d been in when I’d drifted off after crying to him about Graham. I struggled to sit up and he startled awake.

“What are you doing? Stop that.” He rubbed his eyes and worked to situate me back in bed.

“Where’s Izzy?” I didn’t fight him, I was still tired.

“She’s fine. She and Zheng usually go smoking around this time. Listen,” he turned serious as he tucked in the corners of my blanket, “I think you should let her take care of you. She’s been strung out over your death. Is it really so hard to just rest and let her feed you?”

“No, it’s not.” I relaxed back into the pillows. Izzy had brought some of my bedding off the ship. I was comfortable surrounded by familiar pieces of my life.

Marco smiled and stretched, his fingers brushing the tent ceiling. “Why Annie, I think you’re growing up.”

“Don't–”

“Shush,” he forestalled my regular refusal of his name for me.

“I’ll need to work on my ship at some point.” There was a cup by my bedside and I took a few sips before realizing what it was. Izzy had mixed my medicine; a strong dose of it too. Sod it. I drank it down and felt the effects almost immediately.

“How about, if you keep being a model patient,” he sat back down on the cushions by my bed and put the blankets around me, “I’ll take you out to your ship and let you order everyone around. Elizabeth can cash in some of her favors and get extra hands. We’ll set up a nice chaise for you, Izzy will make you a mountain of food you couldn’t possibly eat. Maybe the chaise itself can be made from the stacks and stacks of bread she baked to calm her nerves. What do you say?” His words blended into the laudanum haze and I remembered that kiss in Avington. Do what you need to do and then come find me. If I was going to get to that upstairs hallway I was going to need to fix my ship.

“It’s a good plan. We’ll do what we need to do.” The medicine dragged at my words and I let the pillows hold me up. I’m not sure if he stayed or if he left. Down I went into blissful dreamland.

****

We cheered Maui from the beach as he paddled hard to meet the wave on his heavy wooden board. The village children ran into the surf to watch and splash. Marco and Maui had been working on the design of this new board for a whole season and today was the first trial. Maui paddled hard and got up to cheers and hollers, then the wave got ahead of the heavy wooden board and he was left floating. The children cried out in disappointment and told him to go again, again, again. Ever the good sport, he stood, bowed, then threw himself off. Zheng and Mo grabbed their boards and rushed into the water to meet him. I reached for mine but Marco held me back, his arm 

around my waist.

“Let them go. How about we swim? Just us.”

I wanted to surf but the allure of having a private moment with him was tempting. I let him lead me away to the shadowed cove around the bend. He held me carefully in the water and we floated and enjoyed our stolen little moment. Down the beach we could hear the sounds of more splashing and cheering; this moment was just as good. He ran his hands over my skin and kissed me. A perfect moment.