A Little Self-Care

It was early morning when I woke. The light was that purgatory gray that gave no hint to what the weather might hold for the day ahead. I moved carefully so as not to wake Marco. He shifted in his sleep. It was good to have him here and comfortable.

Another full night’s sleep had worked its magic on me. While there were aches aplenty, nothing was dire. I moved around my tent without issue and packed a bag for my morning activity. I took what was left of the dried fruit and nuts, a skin of water, ointment, and clean bandages so I could rewrap myself afterwards. I was thankful again that Izzy wasn’t here and therefore neither were her guards. I tucked the covers around Marco and headed out. I wanted some alone time.

Slow and steady, I hiked out of the compound and went further up the beaches, several pondering miles, till I was out of sight of any boats, any people, any eyes at all. It was just me, the sky, the waves, and the sand. So long as I went slow enough I wasn’t distressed.

I didn’t imagine my outing would be a problem for them. None of Izzy’s henchmen were letting me near my ship. They were all, “eat breakfast,” “let’s go surfing,” “I thought you liked yoga,” “Next time don’t overdose and knock one of my best pirates unconscious and maybe you won’t need to spend the morning stringing beads and talking about your feelings.” I was not to touch, talk, or even think about sailing. Elizabeth was handling the repairs with assistance from Zheng and I could only watch from afar with occasional reports from her when the others weren’t standing guard. A morning away from each other would do us all good.

The beach faced due east; perfect. As the sun began to crest over the horizon, I took off my shirt, leaving only the bandage just below my ribs. I met the first sunbeams bare chested and breathed in the freedom. I unwound my hair from their braids and shook the locks out. Then I undid my pants and stepped away from them. Finally, I meticulously unwound the long lanolin infused wraps that circled my legs hundreds of times starting from the tops of my inner thighs down. I placed each roll carefully on top of my other garments. The sun broke fully over the horizon and I bathed in the golden rays. I stretched my arms up and welcomed the warmth and exposure of this new day.

I dug my toes into the sand, enjoying my immersion in the small particles. Then I lay down completely and drizzled the fine grains over my legs, my stomach, my chest. It was not in my nature to expose myself so completely and I closed my eyes against the sight of myself so boldly out in the open with barely a stitch on me. The sun felt warm and nourishing, almost like I was photosynthesizing its rays. I stroked little lines in the sand with my fingers and toes. On my ship, when I was alone (and how very long ago that had been), I would strip down and bathe but I never stayed uncovered for this long. I was warm and peaceful as I stretched out.

When I was done with the sand I waded into the small surf and let the water flow around my ankles, my calves, my knees. On up I went until I could relax and float on the waves. I held my foot out of the water and contemplated the scars I hated so much. The tissue twisted and puckered in its familiar patterns and I wondered, could I just go ahead and love myself anyway even if I wasn’t beautiful and perfect?

The sun beamed through the atmosphere and picked up sparkles in the drops of water. I lay back again and let myself float. How I would dearly love just to stay at peace with myself just as I was in this moment.

My consciousness eased along the tides and I felt the pull of the portal again. I didn’t fight it; this was not a morning for fighting. My thoughts swirled along the undertow and mixed with the deeper currents. When I was in the portal I could stretch my mind like this and find the people and places I sought out. I’d never tried such a feat in plain water. I wasn’t exactly trying now but the feeling was similar and I felt a familiar presence. It was second nature to seek out my family, and Mo had been on my mind as he was the only one missing from our temple group. I relaxed into the water and felt in his direction. He was sailing the portal. I recognized his course. He was headed here. In a matter of days he would exit the portal and be to us shortly after. Our whole family would be together once again.

As a matter of habit I reached out to see if I could find any trace of Maui. Nothing. Not that I ever expected differently, it was only habit. I retreated my consciousness back closer to where I rested on the water and was surprised to find Izzy was on her way back. I’d never been able to sense my sister like that. I supposed I’d never needed to try to find her before. She’d always been right where I left her, same as my mother. She’d be here by evening.

It was good to be able to find her like this. Holding onto any connection, however thin it was, was preferable to losing her completely. I searched again for Maui. Nothing.

I swam back to shore and spent a long time carefully working ointment into my skin and wrapping myself back up in layer after layer and changing my bandages. Lastly, I put my well worn boots on and twisted my wet hair back behind my shoulder.

It was a few miles back to the compound and I made a note to tell Izzy when she arrived about all the fucking walking I’d been doing. One careful step after the other and I made it back around midday. My knee protested but my arm and chest felt strong(er).

The compound was up and lively with activity as I entered the bounds. Marco and Zheng and Catherine were at the fire pit; Zheng was feeding John Henry rice as Catherine ate.

“There you are! I have a lunch for you.” Marco set a plate down for me and indicated that I should sit. It was easier if I didn’t fight them. Marco wasn’t the chef that Izzy was but he was lightyears better than Maui had been. Today he’d put together a crepe-like pancake with rice and leftover vegetables from the evening before. He poured a cup of tea for each of us and sat next to me.

“Where’s Elizabeth? I wanted to -”

“She’s already on the ship working. She’s fine. Ship is looking good. You aren’t needed,” Zheng interrupted me and jumped ahead to the ending. I scowled and ate.

“I’m going to have to step foot on my ship eventually,” I grumbled.

“And when Izzy comes back and says you can then that’s when you’ll do it.” Marco grinned, loving how much I was hating all this.

“What the hell does she have on all of you?!” I’d never known Zheng to stick this long to a commitment.

“We all care about you, Captain,” Catherine spoke up. That girl was getting braver and braver. “Would you like to do some sewing today? I have some garments we could work on.”

“Oh! Me too!” Zheng piped up.

“I am not going to darn your socks. Marco, let’s get the boards –” My suggestion died in my throat at the look on his face as he fingered a rip in his vest. “You’ve got to be kidding me. You too?”

“I could really use some repairs.” He wore the same hopeful expression as the rest of them.

Zheng held the baby in front of her face and spoke in a baby voice, “I’m outgrowing my clothes too, Auntie!” He giggled and laughed and squealed in delight at being up high and getting tickled.

And that’s how I ended up spending my day next to a mountain of clothes, needle and thread in hand, and charging everyone hours of labor for every stitch. Once word got out that I was doing this work the whole compound came out with every sock, shirt, and ripped pants, they could find. Elizabeth was inundated with labor and came to report that the ship was sparkling, dry, and each sail repaired. She was confident we could take the Try Your Luck out on the water for a test sail soon. That last part was said to me conspiratorially. Elizabeth was as ready to be back on the water as I was. I saluted her and she went back to work (after handing me a shirt with a busted shoulder seam).